A class participant recently asked: “What do we do with items received from family members who have passed away?”She explained that she has received 2 or 3 households full of items over the years. She needs to downsize, but is still burdened with all these extra collections.

We are often blessed with items received from loved ones, and when that loved one passes, we are reluctant to purge the items.  I know this is a complicated, personal process, friends, and I’m sorry.  But we still have to proceed, and make decisions about these belongings.  Think about these statements:

• Your loved one who is gone would not want to burden you;
• Respect your loved one, and appreciate the love and the sentiment behind the item / gesture, even if you choose to let the item go;
• When our family or friends are boxing things up after a funeral, grief and stress may keep them making good decisions;
• Letting go of stuff does not mean that you are letting go of the person; and
• You didn’t choose these items, and are under no real obligation to keep them (cold, I know, but true).

Here are some tips to make things go:

1. Know what is enough, and what is too much.  One set of china is enough, any more may be too much.  Keep your favorite, and sell / donate / re-gift the rest.
2. Be selective and choose a few small favorites, then do something with the favorites. Treat these as treasure – use them, frame them, bring them out of storage.
   • A client recently bought a display case for her uncle’s collection of antique silver tea balls, and they look beautiful. The display adds character and not clutter to her home, and allows her to appreciate her uncle.
3. Consider your loved one, and donate their items to a charity in their honor.
4. If a family member disapproves of your decisions to purge certain items, ask them to get involved in the process with you, soliciting suggestions for how to respectfully purge items while celebrating the person who has died.   
   • Another friend shared “We received the coveted toothpick holder collection from Grandma [like mine from my Grandma, shown in picture!], and stored them for several years wondering what to do with them. I chose a few that spoke to me, and my daughter chose a couple that spoke to her. The balance I took to the next family party and explained that everyone needed to take one to remind them of Grandma – whether it was a special food; fishing; or a good memory. At the end of the party, the toothpick holders were going home with everyone who would cherish them & remember Grandma.”  Thanks S.K.!
5. Practice your gentle and polite response.  For example, “We are preparing to move / downsize / have a child / send a child to college, etc.; and we know we won’t be able to keep everything we have.  We’ve carefully chosen to keep these few items, to celebrate so-and-so.”  Don’t apologize.
6. If a loved one passes things on to you when you they are still around… that is a little tougher, I know.
   • A friend responded to last week’s question with a description of the engraved (with someone else’s message) crystal goblets she recently received.  Yikes!
   • Your loved one may actually expect to see the items again!  One idea is to keep one cabinet shelf of just those types of items, 1 or 2 of each, and, with the goblet example, serve just that person with one of the glasses.  If she is pleased, good job! and now you’re done.  If she doesn’t notice, good job – you’re done. Another idea is to keep the item boxed up, with an expiration date on it to purge after a year.

Finally, make decisions now from your own Stuff.  If you have want to pass something on to someone, consider passing it on now, so you can share the joy and the reason for the gift.  If you don’t want to pass it on just yet, write a note to the next generations about the item and why it is important, then tuck the note inside.

I hope these ideas help!  If you have any more suggestions, please share and I’ll pass them along.